Of all the arts that I’m familiar with, the one with the most attractive philosophy of life IMO is aikido. Dobson and Miller use this book to show how the martial art of aikido really goes beyond techniques to enhance your whole life. It has the power to change you and can shape how you deal with conflicts every day.
Rather than just outright call the subject aikido, they call the system they are proposing “attack-tics” because they claim that when the book first came out, no one really knew what aikido was. When they want to discuss an aspect of conflict resolution that we would now think of as coming from aikido, they just call it aiki — blending.
The sub-title of the book is “giving in to get your way” and that’s exactly what the authors describe doing in the many scenarios they describe in the book. They give many examples of people reacting in all the wrong ways to conflict and then propose a variety of ways that would allow you achieve harmony with the person you’re in conflict with, and yet achieve your goals.
For example, one scenario involves a snarky phone call from a mother to her daughter. The daughter gets her head bitten off by nagging mom, so the daughter immediately retaliates, as most of us would do. The authors show that this might feel like sticking up for yourself, but you rarely get what you want out of this situation. They then show how the daughter could control what she says and feels by maintaining her own center (see the aiki at work?) and then redirect the mom’s hostility. With nothing for her anger to “latch on to,” the mom eventually tires herself out and comes around to what is really bugging her. There was no target to hit with her barbs.
I thought this book was great, but it is really hard to actually do in real life. I’ve used these tactics with varying success recently, but I have no doubt whatsoever that using them more often would help you change your personality and become a happier, healthier person. Even if you didn’t always succeed with this stuff, I see it having lots of benefits just from the change in mindset needed to even try this approach.
If you go to the Amazon link, you’ll see lots of negative views of this book. I just think this kind of “giving in” thinking is too far outside what most people are willing to accept. Few people will take the time to appreciate what’s being said, let alone turn the way they deal with conflict completely around. People like being angry. It keeps them warm at night when they have nothing else. 
If I dare say this, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more “Christian” view of conflict resolution put forth. “Blessed are the peacemakers” and “turn the other check” kept popping into my head as I was reading this.
People often look for spiritual benefits to their training, but this is the one book that I can really see showing exactly how to live your art off the mat in a spiritual way. This rarely gets talked about in most arts, but I’ve found that it’s commonplace in aikido. Why isn’t this mentioned more in other arts?
10 responses so far ↓
1 RobT // Jan 2, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Just a brief comment on the Christian bit (not to be divert the meaning of the above, it is on topic).
Turn the other cheek is an interesting one and often mis-understood. The situation envisaged is that of a Roman (the occupying power) open-hand slapping the Jew (the occupied). The gesture is thus one of dominance, and the slap is a symbol of being the one in charge, one does not slap an equal.
Turning the other cheek invites the Roman to strike again … either with the other hand in another slap, or (more likely) with the same hand and this time with the knuckles. Far from being meek subserviance it is an active challenge that forces the other to acknowledge the struck as an equal.
Similar things can be said to the command “if another asks you for your coat give him your shirt too” (you are then naked… which if done in the spirit intended leaves the other far more embarassed than you, particular if done in a public place!), and “someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (again, this is a reference to the occupying Roman powers. To prevent abuse of power there were strict rules on what you were allowed to force the occupied people to do. It was commonplace to get a Jew to carry your heavy pack for you. Yet abuse - which going the extra mile would here constitute - had a penalty of the Roman soldier being flogged. Having forced the Jew to carry the pack, the Roman would have to beg him to stop at the end of the mile…)
Here we see very much the idea of turning the other’s power against them by “going with it”… but of course going a little bit further than the other person intended. Hence it is very similar indeed to the concepts of “forget yourself and follow the other”, particularly when e.g. a push to ones chest is converted (via yielding and the adddition of rollback) into a throw to ones back.
2 Patrick Parker // Jan 3, 2008 at 7:30 am
I very much enjoyed the book too and I enjoyed RobT’s interpretation of “turn the other cheek” in the previous comment. I’ve never heard any of those ideas before. I wanted to comment on the Christian conflict reaolution thing too, though. People characterize aiki as peaceful avoidance and they characterize Christianity the same way. One instance os Christian conflict resolution is:
Mat 18:15 -17 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. ”
here the solution is not avoidance, but confrontation. The secret is choosing the ground on which you wage the battle. you don’t fight this battle in a public place but in a private place alone with them, then you bring in iwtnesses, then you bring in mediators, then you avoid them like the plague.
I don’t know about y’all, but the avoidance comes easy for me. it’s the confrontation that is tough. Requires a gut check for me - even if I do it like the bible says.
interesting blog topic. I bet Dan Paden would have good insights on this. I might have to hijack this thread in a few days if it doesn’t take off here
3 Patrick Parker // Jan 3, 2008 at 7:40 am
…and that’s what the Dobson book is all about anyway - circle-square-triangle. the answer is not always one thing (avoidance) sometimes it is stability or direct attack. but it is wise to choose your ground whatever your strategy is going to be.
4 David // Jan 3, 2008 at 10:17 am
Not sure if this is where RobT got it from, but Christian scholar Walter Wink says the same thing. I really like his discussion of nonviolence as a strategically and socially sophisticated way of standing up to violence. I’m not Christian but I recommend his writings for more in that vein.
I’d be interested in a more personal (one-to-one) approach to the whole relating-nonviolently thing though too, which Wink doesn’t cover so much. Look forward to checking out the aikido book.
5 Scott // Jan 3, 2008 at 1:08 pm
the Daoist take:
Trust the trust worthy but also trust the untrustworthy, by this the nature of trust is understood.
Quite a challenge really!
From a resolve the conflict point of view, I prefer the terminology of “statues transactions” to “dominance” or “giving in. ”
You can admit to an accusation in a way that will either raise or lower your statues in relationship to the accuser. Or you can play high statues to the space (Welcome to my park!) and low statues to a person (Can I offer you a cup of twig tea, Your Highness?)
What is important is that you accept the situation as it is. If you are being accused of something, by all means agree that it is your fault, that you are truly guilty, but be unrepentant. In fact, do it again. Your accuser is likely to start pulling out their own hair.
6 Dave // Jan 3, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Martial arts are for KILLING!!! KILL KILL KILL!!!
I also like the way Mitsugo Saotome presents the philosophy of Aikido in his books. It really makes you want to study aikido. There is nothing more humbling then taking being thrown to the ground, in my opinion.
7 RobT // Jan 3, 2008 at 4:26 pm
David - yes, Wink does indeed argue in a similar line.
Personally my favourite aikido quote would be “hit him with the largest thing you can find - the earth will do”…
8 scott // Jan 5, 2008 at 1:38 am
Hey, I was out of it when I wrote that comment the other day. I meant status transactions, not STATUES transactions, I hope you all got a laugh out of that one.
I find the discussion of Christian ethics refreshing, if you live in a Christian world you should be comfortable thinking about this stuff.
9 Ellis Amdur // Jan 6, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Interesting to see that book is back for another round. Giving In to Get Your Way was not the book Terry wanted to write. He was, in fact, a brilliant writer, but afflicted with the worst case of writer’s block of anyone I ever knew. So he hooked up with Victor Miller, a hack professional writer of really bad novels and self-help books, Victor being one of his aikido students at the time. Victor convinced him that the only way to get the info out was to turn it into a “self-help” book, water down a lot of the message and the intellect, and write it in a formulaic style. It came out at just the wrong time - self-help books were then emphasizing a yuppie macho “I got mine and I deserve it” line.
There is nothing in the book untrue to Terry’s philosophy (how he wanted to live life, whether he succeeded or not) but the book is not true to even a portion of the much more guy that he was.
Ellis Amdur
10 Dave Chesser // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:55 am
Ellis,
Thanks for this insight. He did hint that this wasn’t the book he wanted to write in the updated introduction. It really is too bad that he didn’t get a chance to write what he wanted. I’m sure that would have made a good book great.
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