I was going to training a few weeks ago, and I got on the subway. I looked for a seat because I was nursing a slight injury and I wanted to be rested up for training. I saw a seat next to a guy that was sort of sprawled over into the seat next to him. So he was actually taking up a seat and a half — not an ideal place for me to sit. But there were no other seats on the train.
So I plopped down in the seat, but as I did, I accidentally stepped on the side of his shoe. I then felt his leg pressing against mine. That kind of ticked me off since I thought he should have moved his leg to accommodate me. So I used my leg to give his leg a little shove, perhaps just a bit too hard in retrospect.
I looked over to see his reaction and that’s when I noticed the pained expression on his face. He bent down to inspect his shoe, and out of curiosity, I did too. He was wearing patent leather dress shoes, the kind I hadn’t seen since leaving the service. When I stepped on his shoe, I scuffed it pretty badly.
The guy looked like I had just killed his dog or something, so I took that pause to check him out. Dress pants with a crease that could cut you. Dress shirt underneath a brown leather bomber jacket. And a salt and pepper flat top. This guy was prototypical retired ROC Air Force.
I immediately felt a sense of connection with him because at one time I wanted nothing more than to one day be like him. My life took a different turn, but I still felt a strong sense of empathy with him. So I said “very sorry” in Chinese, but he was too pained by the scuff on his shoe to even hear what I said. I felt bad about scuffing his shoe, but even worse for pushing his leg with mine like that.
As the train pulled up to his stop, he got out with his son, daughter-in-law, and a cute little baby that looked just like my daughter back home. They had been sitting opposite of us the whole time. It was obvious from the way that he interacted with them that he was a good dad and grandfather.
After that, I rode the train feeling like a real jackass. Here was a good guy that had offended my sensibilities by not doing what I thought was polite, and I had acted on those feelings.
We almost always have other options available to us regardless of the situation, but we just don’t recognize it in the moment. I ended up being rude to someone because I chose wrongly. Oftentimes, pushing back is not the best response.
5 responses so far ↓
1 GrahamB // Dec 23, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Tags Aikido?
2 Christoffer Lerno // Dec 23, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I actually immediately thought of this aikido story:
http://www.context.org/ICLIB/IC04/Dobson.htm
3 taijiquestion // Mar 21, 2008 at 9:59 am
This little story continues to fascinate me, and I respect you for sharing it, since it doesn’t make you look very good. But as someone who committed countless gaffes and blunders in years past (but not now? :)) I won’t preach to you. And I’ve held off from commenting.
But it’s really an interesting tale. To me, it seems that things went wrong right from the moment you got on the train. You were self-absorbed, and looking to your own current perceived needs. No crime in that — though I draw a parallel to MA “awareness” and readiness. You were in a different state than that. Once again, I’ve been there myself a million times.
The man was simply making himself comfy with the rare treat of an empty seat adjacent. Who wouldn’t, if they felt so inclined? If an old woman had approached, he might have straightened up readily in a gentlemanly way. But it was just you, already a bit disgruntled perhaps…
Otherwise you might have noticed this man was your senior (let alone retired military) and being in an Asian country especially, you might have paused and signaled or spoken to him, by way of asking to sit next to him.
But instead, one thing led to another.
Hope you don’t mind my saying these things that probably occurred to you too. As I say, it’s a good story with a number a lessons. The worst part in a way is that a minor incident griped him so much that he missed your humble apology, which was completely apropos and should have redeemed you, as a foreigner who knew the ropes and remembered your manners in mid-stream. He could have showed grace in front of his family, instead of playing the stiff.
In the Philippines I would have said “patawad po” even though that’s laying it on a bit thick for a scuffed shoe. But shoes can be important, and besides, one doesn’t wish to appear a ruffian.
Makes you realize how quickly things can get ugly when we’re dealing with a real thug or whack-job, but don’t realize it right off the bat. And so we study martial arts and try to learn it all, the self-defense and the courtesies, and the awareness.
I couldn’t resist commenting after all. Keep writing these good honest pieces, they’re well done and instructive.
4 Dave Chesser // Mar 21, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Yes, you have grasped the situation well. That incident still bothers me today, for all the reasons you mentioned. I wasn’t being mindful at all or looking out for others. I was a little pissed off when I got on the train. My foot hurt, too, and that was distracting me. You hit all the other points.
I know this doesn’t make me look good. But I put it here because this experience started a spark in me. As you say, there are so many lessons to learn from it. That man taught me a lot and I’m very grateful to him.
It’s often our negatives or mistakes that teach us real lessons. And as embarrassing as it is to talk about them, others like you might be able to learn from my mistakes.
5 taijiquestion // Mar 22, 2008 at 12:39 am
Hopefully!
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